The sun rises again, it’s blinding light flooding my room, advancing, invading, forcing itself to be seen. An unwelcome intruder in my world.

My eyes burn.

I dare not open them in fear that the moment I do they will immediately turn to ash. I dare not because I will see that again you are not there, that again I am alone, that again I miss you, that again I will never see you.

A you-shaped hole in the universe. I keep my eyes closed.

I remember your lips, soft under my touch, like hibiscus petals they give at my caress, then become strong as you slyly smile and kiss my fingers. Your blonde hair like canary feathers wildly splayed across my pillow. Your eyes like waves, bright and fresh; two oceans to fall into deeply; to forget myself absolutely and be consumed entirely.

You comment on how beautiful I am, how our bodies fit together perfectly; my head on your shoulder, your arms around me, my chest pressed against you, your hand at my face, my leg over yours.

This was the last time I saw you. My last memory of you. The last bit of happiness that we felt. Your last bit of existence before you took your light from your own eyes.

I dare to peer over the heavy wooden wall which seems taller than the 200 year-old Oaks in the Redwoods. The silk-sheathed berth is a cool blue colour, almost grey like the skies in Iceland just before a mighty storm. Your skin is pale against the darkness on which you lie, your hair brushed neat and your eyes are closed. You shine gold, and seem just as powerful.

My breath catapults back into my throat and focuses a deep pressure into the back of my eyes. My heart drops and desists beating. Tears stream down my face like twin waterfalls pounding a new rock formation. I cannot speak.

You look peaceful, like a sound man after a hard day’s work takes peace on the porch as the sun sets, rocking back and forth in his wooden swing humming softly to himself; accomplished and confident in your choices.

I lose consciousness and in my deepest despair I see your face again. I see your canary feather hair, your ocean blue eyes and I feel you around me. And then it hits me. It is only in memories that I will ever see you, and it’s not enough.

I remember myself.

“If suddenly you forget me, do not look for me for I shall already have forgotten you”